An American Artemis For Hillbuzz

Half-Artemissed

O Great Grisly Mama of the Frozen North, Our American Artemis, your followers cry out to you for nourishment, yet none will you give them save the words "my plan," on which they suck even down to the last crumb, for from within to draw the nugatory virtue.

 We venerate thee, Fecund One, who appeareth now here, now there, wherever the light shineth on someone else, for though the voices of our tribe now raise up against thee, we will never falter in our devotion, no matter how embarrassing. 

Just ask Hillary.

Brought to you as always by Mrs. Polly of Snarkopolitan, the Undead Blog, with apologies to her conservative pals~~hey look, guys, you knew I couldn't keep pulling my punches forever!

Jokes That Write Themselves, Palin Dept: Half-Governor Runs Half Marathon

Conservative Trigger Warning: This post is rated two out of a possible six Conservative 'Splodey Heads.

 If you disagree with this rating, kindly contact mngmnt at provided email address, and to save time, please remember to have your properly arranged bribes in front of you. Your custom is very important to us. 

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Why, Why, WHY, Sarah? Why must you do my work for me?

And you went unannounced. And you came in second place. Why are you trying to do my job, Sarah Palin?

Brought to you as always by Mrs. Polly of Snarkopolitan, the Undead Blog, who will come in last in any age group unless it's the Diaper Derby, and perhaps even then!

Only@Tea: Palin Rally Speaker Eric Golub's HighLARious Jokes About Special Needs Children Get Crickets From Hillbuzz

So, Teahadists, you may have carry permits, but what if the proper weapon is a rotten tomato? In Indianola, at yesterday's Greatest Announcement Rally Ever To Never Feature An Announcement, painfully unfunny stockbroker/"comedian" Eric Golub joked about the youngest Palin being "defective:"

Palin “has such a value for human life, that she would even bring a child into this world she knew that modern medical technology would show that would be defective ideologically like Nancy Pelosi.”


What a wretch.  You'd think he'd have had to leave the stage under the assault of whatever overripe produce was to hand, but from the devoted Palinista crowd, crickets.

Sarah Palin Is Positively Polarizing!

New-ku-lar Winter's Comin' Early!

First, apologies to my fours of readers for the long, employment-based absence, during which many, many wonderfully awful happenings went unremarked by anybody but the whole entire rest of the blogosphere, where I hope they found succor.

Second, it is just plain impossible to keep pace with the bubbling cauldron of lunacy over at that place which once had my poor little defunct blog in its crosshairs, because I do not have the strength of the Mad; Harvey's One-Stop All-You-Can-Hate Shack has stayed open for business 24/7. But I bring you this latest morsel, and hope to find a few more from the murky stew he keeps reheating, soon:

Hillbuzz is now trying to "take back" the term "Polarizing" and make it into a positive. Brilliant! Next, he/they can work on making "Ignorant," "Jingoistic," "Self-righteous," "Quitter," "Paranoid" and "Shameless" into positives. Given the material he/they* have to work with, it's a technique he/they* had better learn to perfect.

*Look at the graceless, exhausting, sameness of HB's endless river of phlegmy prose , combined with no physical manifestation of any "boiz" except for Harvey. Two dollars says that "Panda" is sitting on Harvey's bed right now, sporting tear-soaked modacrylic fur, kapok stuffing, and a missing ear.

Brought to you by Snarkopolitan, the undead blog, as always running twice as hard just to not fall behind too tragically, since unlike the Beggar Of Boiztown (oh why not), we work!

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Hillbuzz: Absolutely Fatuous

Why are Pats and Palin depicted in front of the White House? Because they've an equal chance of getting into it, darling.

Pointlessly prolific Harvey Bilk of Shillbuzz loves reruns, and "Class V Crass" is a perennial fave at Harvey's Emporium of Warmed-Over Wingnuttery. It's unsurprising, since his audience demands quantity, not quality, that he should turn to some well-worn classics again and again.

The Lord of the Flies at Shillbuzz uses the series to contrast First Spouse Michelle Obama (no "Lady" for Michelle; rather than call her that, he'll just eschew the term completely!) with First Spouses he prefers, including poor First Drinker Mamie Eisenhower, and, hilariously, LOU HOOVER, much admired for her patience in having to live with the clueless Herbert, who lent his name to so many small cardboard towns during the Great Depression.

Now Shillbuzz has a poll on which First Spouse to slam Michelle with next, as well as the newest installment, which depicts Alaska's Half-First Dude (or is it First Half-Dude? One never is sure about courtesy titles for quitters' spouses) with, of course, Baby Trig, whom he is carefully trying to keep out of the media spotlight, as a caring parent would, you know.

Todd, incidentally, may also bear the honor of being America's first Ominous Shadow Half-Governor, in which case Sarah might just be her own Half First Spouse, or First Half---oh hell, you get the picture. Now that's Mavericky. Anyway, wouldn't having a First Spouse under investigation be exciting! And it doesn't matter which Palin, because both of them have been investigated and found guilty!

While lacking the resources of Shillbuzz's Mystery Photoshopper--and in particular the Photoshop, we* have endeavored to provide just a little of that sort of edgy fun for Snarkopolitan's fives of readers. And doesn't Harvey's beloved Sarah deserve to be compared with the best? So here she is, rocking the same 'do in her retro-ironic way years before Sarah ever picked up the Aqua-Net. Both gals are utilizing their second-favorite props, sporting designer apparel of dubious provenance, and blowing smoke. The difference is that in Pats' case, you know the worst it could be is weed.

Sure, the Class V Crass series seems shallow, pissy, the sort of thing someone does who is seriously underemployed and possessing of a damaged psyche which can only feel good by projecting its self-hatred outward onto an undeserving hate-object. But how can we understand the worldview of one of the globe's formost purveyors of curdled inanity without venturing into his world and trying to see it as he sees it, through his shining little beady rodent eyes?

*brought to you by Snarkopolitan, the undead blog, and written in the baffling third person à la Shillbuzz, even though we are in fact only one person and only able to bring you intermittent installments on Shillbuzz's exhaustive supply of foolishness, since, unlike a certain "special events planner," we have a job!

Hand Jive With Sarah Palin

Pardon me for enjoying this all a little too much. But since Sarah Palin couldn't manage pre-screened, canned questions from the friendliest audience since Edger Bergen was in vaudeville, without studying whatever was written on her palm, I am declaring that from now on, hands shall be known as "Wingnut Teleprompters."

Palinophiles should just be grateful; I could have titled this post something else.

(h/t jeffinfremont)

~~UPDATE UPDATE~~

Hand jive with Sarah Palin, the video:



~~SECOND UPDATE * SECOND UPDATE~~EXCLUSIVE FROM THE SNARKONEWSROOM

Citing "just being sick and tired of dealing with Mo--you're not recording this, are you?", an anonymous source within the Palin campaign slipped us this photo from the Opryland greenroom of what was on Sarah's hand BEFORE she wiped some of it off!







X-posted at Rumproast, America's Meatiest Blog.

BOO!

THE TOUGH GO SHOPPING

looking cheap at any price

This scandal is so plump, so tasty, how best can we excise every glorious morsel and not miss a single tidbit?

The Washington Post Pulitzer Prize-winning fashion editor missed all of it. She wrote a piece about Sarah Palin's unassuming, fashion-free middle-class "non-assertive" outfits.

She didn't notice the red leather jacket (Jon Stewart accused Palin of borrowing Michael Jackson's "Thrilla" jacket)? Or the dominatrix boots, or the Judy Garland over-the-bridge-to-nowhere-red-spangled-F-me-pumps? Or the chartreuse raw silk jacket? Or the bell-sleeved fitted jackets, with the little bow at the waist?

I assumed they'd fancied Sarah up, but even I had no idea. I thought they just had a few little half-blind children in the basement running up RealAmurkawearTM for her night and day.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN WASILLA---- the Dairygate Follies, Part 1

That's all for now! But wait for our next installment, in which we find out how much cheese six hundred thousand dollars will buy, and meet a little girl who just happens to love cows.

My Favorite Scandal

Here she is, and I know more than a few Conservatives have already pictured her just this way, (ooh, starbursts everywhere!) Governor Sarah Palin, who loves a good bail-out, wink wink. This is my very favorite scandal, and nobody's talking about it. It has everything:

• Firings.
• Cronyism
• Gross but entertaining incompetence
• Bucolic setting
• Love of Cows
• Cheese Futures

Did you say CHEESE FUTURES? Oh yes I did!

Well if you want something done, sometimes you just have to do it yourself. The Mat Maid Dairy Scandal is a bit involved, so I will explicate it in comic-book form as best I can, considering my limited experience with either comics or cows. This is the first installment: here you see Alaska tax dollars, simply buckets of them, ready to pour into the Mat Maid Dairy by charmingly demented Governor Sarah Palin, whose very good friends happen to own cows whose milk is bought up by that same dairy.

I have depicted her on a field of Cheesy Orange which shows off her tanned shoulders. She looks great in anything, especially cheese. Cheese is her color.

Tomorrow, I will start the comic proper, and we will learn why the Mat Maid Dairy needed buckets of money, how badly it was failing, what Governor Palin did about it, and to whom she did it.

Johnnie Mac, the Intertubal Way

Now, this is the sort of partisan agitprop video with Profoundly. Melodramatic. Narration. In short. Urgent. Bursts. With Scary soundtrack. That. I. Don't like.

BUT it's about John McCain's temper! Which I am in a mood to highlight. After all, he two-facedly came out swinging at his opponent the day AFTER the match. That's not the MacNasty we need! But it seems that he can control himself if the opponent can hurt him back---aside from the contempt which leaks out of him in dribs and drabs. Is "That One" a drib or a drab?



Today, McCain and Palin continued to push the notion that Obama is a dangerous foreigner with terrorist ties, using half-truths, exaggerations and distortions. For instance, Obama served on the board of a charity with former Weather Underground member William Ayres. The charity was founded by Walter Annenberg, a conservative Republican and founder of Reader's Digest. But does anyone think he was a terrorist sympathizer?

At McCain and Palin rallies, shouts of "Kill him!" "Terrorist!" and "Cut off his head!" have been reported, but neither McCain nor Palin have said anything to calm down the mob mentality they seem to be cultivating. They simply repeat, "Who is Barack Obama?" as if it were Obama who'd been pulled out of obscurity five weeks ago and not Sarah Palin.

One day, people may deny that they were at McCain/Palin rallies the way older folks deny having been McCarthyites now. My folks once attended a McCarthy rally on a lark. Bad idea. My post on it: http://snarkopolitan.blogspot.com/2008/05/laughing-at-mccarthy-rally-bad-for.html

YOU BETCHA!!

Only in this teledadaist, reality-unencumbered, common senseless, cowardly, faux-objective goofball pomo world could any pundit look into the camera and say with a straight face that Sarah Palin even participated in a debate, much less ponder on whether she or Biden won it.

I have a procedure for handling these debates. In order to not fall on the floor and foam at the mouth, or spend ninety minutes projectile vomiting, I avoid looking directly at the wreckage; Mr. Polly does instead, while I block out sound with a Walkman tuned to a hip-hop station. I sit at the computer and read live-blogs, and drink. I have to circle around an event, and have it fed to me pureed.

No amount of pureeing, or other distancing divice is enough to make Sarah Palin digestible for me. The day-after montages of winks and mavericky high-kicking homespinning cowpatty-shoveling charm mongering made me want to push an ice-pick into my own brain, just to finish what Sarah'd started.

Once you have a new low in American culture, it doesn't take long to breach it. George Bush was a ridiculous figure, pathetic, gross, choking on his pretzels, massaging Angela Merkel, invading Iraq because why? According to Bob Woodward, only tonight, Bush said, "Because they're assholes." How can you bottom that?

With the relentlessly adorable runner-up, Miss Wasilla "I may not answer these questions the way you want" Governor of Alaska. And her stack of answers, written on index cards, from which she read her answers to Gwen Ifill's gentle puffball questions, those she didn't directly ignore.

Snarkopolitan has exclusively obtained a couple of Sarah Palin's answer cards :

I especially liked the Wh. Fl. of Srdr.

NO CLOTHES! NO CLOTHES!

The empress has been buck-naked from the get-go, pardon the folksiness. Her same canned speech, broken up and written on notecards, dispensed in small chunks after she declared her intention to ignore the moderator, made the fear that she would be wired under that beehive completely superfluous. Why bother simulating being knowledgeable? She's, like, only been at this for what, five weeks! She can bring her notecards to her next sit-down with the G-8. Angela Merkel will melt once she's been winked at. But will she wink at Sarah Palin?

SNARKOPOLITAN IS BAAA-AAACK

What a day, what a week, what a year. The country? Who's talking about the country? Snarkopolitan needed its own stimulus package. Mrs. Polly bailed out for quite a while, and all sorts of ridiculous events (RNC Convention, anyone?) transpired, Mrs. Polly curled up in bed with a bottle of sherry and said, "Supercollider, do your stuff. If it takes Palin with me, I'm ready to go. Bring on the Black Holes! At last, for a nanosecond, I'll be tall and thin."



But what sort of attitude is that? No sort of attitude for a New York born survivalist. And SHE happened. Sarah Palin. She can dress a moose.

But I can dress her.